06/24/2015
I haven't written in a long time. My life is much the same still working and still focused on my family, especially my granddaughters. It has been an emotional and stressful couple of years. I am coping as best that I can. Right now, I am battling grief issues and depression issues myself. So, I thought that journaling will help me to get through this time in my life. I still enjoy my job and especially working with my clients. I am not as fond of the agency that I work for as I have been in the past. They have disappointed me over the years and especially hurt my daughter, but I still work here because of the clients I serve and the people I directly work with. Today is a difficult day, but I am making it--just have a lot to deal with lately. I am trusting that God will lead me through this dark time towards the light and more joy. I will probably keep in touch better now and share my thoughts in writings now. That's all for now.
Kat
01/12/19
Wow! It has been a long time since I have written,so what better time to start than January! A lot has happened since 2015, lets see if I can remember the highlights. On November 29, 2016 my first great grandchild was born. That was an amazing day! My granddaughter Breanna was in labor most of the day and finally late that evening Sophie Ann made her appearance. She was perfect and Breanna was amazing. I am so proud and Sophie is the highlight in all of our lives. She keeps me young. In February 2017, finally, Chris and Jaime got married. It was a perfect cozy wedding in Franklin. The next highlight is an overhaul of my trailer home for me and Shannon. We had to move out and a two week job took almost 4 months of which I lived with Chris and Jaime (which was an adventure in itself) and Shannon and Selena stayed with a friend. We moved out February 2018 and moved back to our home in July and it is like a brand new home! We have new floors, new bathrooms, mold removed, and it is 100% better! JK and I went to Indiana this summer and had a great time of fun and bonding! In November 2018 we had another wedding as my granddaughter Audrie married her high school sweetheart Blake. It was the sweetest wedding and Audrie was a beautiful bride. They seem very happy and so cute together. Breanna finally found a good guy and she and Jacob plan to marry in March. He seems to be a great guy and he adores Breanna and Sophie. So, I am praying my sweet girl has found joy and love. She has had a rough couple of years raising Sophie on her own after Brent left and then together with Jacob she happily found out she was pregnant in December, only to loose her baby a few days before Christmas. It's been hard but this month has found Jacob and Breanna moving to a house and planning a wedding. It's time for her to have some joy. Jocelyn,my youngest grandchild is driving!! Oh my!! And, she has been hired for her first job and a busy high school sophomore. They grow up too fast. So now we are in January 2019 and ready for the adventure and blessings of a new year. Until next time...
Kat
Saturday, January 12, 2019
Friday, September 9, 2016
Mom
Dear Mom,
It will be two years in October since God took you home. I miss you so much it hurts in my heart. I think about every week and sometimes several days during the week. I think about how fast time swept by. Once you were here just a phone call away and then you were gone--just gone. It all happened so quickly in 2014, me in Texas and you in Indiana. I was supposed to come home in May but I couldn't get the money together or time off work. You were disappointed, but I promised to try to come in June. We talked on the phone you missed me, I missed you. In June things were hectic at work and I couldn't come home. you were disappointed again. I tried to put things together so I could come home next month. We talked on the phone. Your health has not been good for awhile and you've had chronic pain most of my adult life. You started to get infections and it was hard to get rid of them. You had dad, but you were lonely. You wanted people to visit, but then you didn't either because you felt bad. We talked on the phone every week, sometimes more than once a week. I worried about you. You worried about me. August slipped by and September arrived and I still hadn't found my way home. You weren't getting better. I finally got it together enough to plan to come home in late October. You weren't convinced that I would come because the plans hadn't worked out before. Then, in October there were trips to the doctor and you were getting worse. I couldn't understand you on the phone, but still we tried to talk. Then, my brother called and said I should come now and bring the girls if I wanted to see mom. You were at home in Hospice care, and it all just fell out of control quickly. I managed to get Jaime and Shannon to come with me and we left two weeks before we had planned to because you were getting so much worse. You hadn't seen Jaime in at least 9-10 years. We arrived late in the night and you were still awake waiting, You were so thin and pale. You weren't in your comfy bed or your pretty room. They had moved you in the computer room which a long time ago had been my room. You were in a hospital bed waiting. I will never forget the smile that broke out across your weary face when you saw me, then Shannon, and finally Jaime. When you saw Jaime tears were in your eyes and you whispered to us, "You just made my day!" They were hugs, kisses, and tears. You were so happy to finally have me home, to hug and kiss Jaime once again, and to hold, hug, and kiss Shannon, my youngest. You made our day too Mom, you made my whole life!
It will be two years in October since God took you home. I miss you so much it hurts in my heart. I think about every week and sometimes several days during the week. I think about how fast time swept by. Once you were here just a phone call away and then you were gone--just gone. It all happened so quickly in 2014, me in Texas and you in Indiana. I was supposed to come home in May but I couldn't get the money together or time off work. You were disappointed, but I promised to try to come in June. We talked on the phone you missed me, I missed you. In June things were hectic at work and I couldn't come home. you were disappointed again. I tried to put things together so I could come home next month. We talked on the phone. Your health has not been good for awhile and you've had chronic pain most of my adult life. You started to get infections and it was hard to get rid of them. You had dad, but you were lonely. You wanted people to visit, but then you didn't either because you felt bad. We talked on the phone every week, sometimes more than once a week. I worried about you. You worried about me. August slipped by and September arrived and I still hadn't found my way home. You weren't getting better. I finally got it together enough to plan to come home in late October. You weren't convinced that I would come because the plans hadn't worked out before. Then, in October there were trips to the doctor and you were getting worse. I couldn't understand you on the phone, but still we tried to talk. Then, my brother called and said I should come now and bring the girls if I wanted to see mom. You were at home in Hospice care, and it all just fell out of control quickly. I managed to get Jaime and Shannon to come with me and we left two weeks before we had planned to because you were getting so much worse. You hadn't seen Jaime in at least 9-10 years. We arrived late in the night and you were still awake waiting, You were so thin and pale. You weren't in your comfy bed or your pretty room. They had moved you in the computer room which a long time ago had been my room. You were in a hospital bed waiting. I will never forget the smile that broke out across your weary face when you saw me, then Shannon, and finally Jaime. When you saw Jaime tears were in your eyes and you whispered to us, "You just made my day!" They were hugs, kisses, and tears. You were so happy to finally have me home, to hug and kiss Jaime once again, and to hold, hug, and kiss Shannon, my youngest. You made our day too Mom, you made my whole life!
Wednesday, September 7, 2016
9/6/16
On My Mind:
Time marches on. It has been almost two years since I have written anything. I can't believe my mom has been gone 2 years in October. I think of her almost everyday and think of her often. I miss her as much today if not more than when I first lost her. I am still broken, but God is repairing me and gluing together those cracks. Healing is a painful process, but necessary. I miss you mom, everyday. I love you.
Kathy
On My Mind:
Time marches on. It has been almost two years since I have written anything. I can't believe my mom has been gone 2 years in October. I think of her almost everyday and think of her often. I miss her as much today if not more than when I first lost her. I am still broken, but God is repairing me and gluing together those cracks. Healing is a painful process, but necessary. I miss you mom, everyday. I love you.
Kathy
Wednesday, June 24, 2015
BROKEN
I wonder how many times a heart can be broken, before it shatters completely? I was a little girl when my heart received it's first crack--my granddaddy died and I was about six years old. Time moved on and another crack went across my heart when my Grandma died. I was married and with two children and unable to come home for the funeral. She was my buddy--I spent nights with her, played games with her, ate macaroni and tomatoes with her and fixed rice krispy
treats. I still miss her today. In my head I can still here her playing the piano and hear her voice singing, "When We All Get To Heaven". It was the death of Grandma that gave me the first break in my heart. Time moved on and another crack raced across my heart when my Grandmother died. I had just seen her and couldn't come home from Texas for her funeral. My heart broke a little more, I had spent a lot of my childhood with Grandmother and treasured her. I felt a little lost when I came home for visits and she wasn't there anymore. I had a granddaughter by this time. Soon after I lost Grandmother my marriage fell apart and my husband left me for another woman and my heart was hurt by another sharp break that I still haven't really overcame. Time marched on and my sweet Grandpa died next and my heart was just full of cracks. He was precious to me and I drove his little car everyday, filled with memories of him and my beloved Grandma. My heart broke a little more and I had to face life without grandparents and even today the sense of sadness and loss can come over me. By the time Grandpa died my children were grown and I had three adorable granddaughters. Time slipped on by and days turned to months and months into years...then I faced the biggest loss of my life.
October 18, 2014: My sweet mother went to be with God. I was with her, we all were as she drew her last breath and left us to enter heavens doors. My heart broke, I felt the piece of my heart break off and that piece shattered with the devastating loss of my mother. I knew she was ill and had been for years but after summer she got much worse and I came home with my daughters in time to see her, in time for her to know we were there before she drew her last breath. I stayed with her as much as I could and kept thinking about how I should have come earlier in the spring when she was okay but I kept postponing my trip home until I almost postponed to too long. I am happy that her struggle and her pain is over and that she is with her momma, daddy, and brother, but my pain and struggle began as she entered heavens doors. The what ifs and should haves were killing me and my heart was broken and a big piece of my heart was shattered. I was there to say goodbye and put her to rest and I was there with my father and brothers as we worked through our grief and still do, always will be working through it, I imagine. On my drive home by myself, I think I cried most of the way back to Texas. I didn't know a person could hurt so much and cry so many tears. It seemed fine for days and then just suddenly that pain would be back and I'd see my sweet mom, remember something, and the tears were back. The loss of my grandparents was heart cracking, but the loss of my mother was heartbreaking and it still is. Time moved on and I came back home in April to a different house with mom and there was pain again and tears., but seeing my dad, my aunt, and my brothers, was healing.
June 21, 2015
Suddenly without warning and with shock and disbelief God called my best friend Gloria, home. She had been in the hospital, having tests done, and she'd been sick with some health issues. I don't think any of us realized that anything like this would happen. I text with her almost every single night--sometimes very long conversations into the night. She's a little older than me and we first met 18 years ago and worked together for a few years, and she and her husband and son were like a part of the family. Often we ate dinners together and went shopping together and talked all the time. She was my own personal therapist (HaHa) and helped me to deal with my divorce, my family, and just everything. She knew me better than anyone except maybe for my aunt. She was there when two of my grandchildren were born, and I was there for her when her husband passed away. Even though she moved to Boston, we still talked weekly if not daily and when we got cell phones we began texting daily several times a day to keep in touch to be a life support to each other. She moved to Georgia to take care of her mother and we still kept in contact daily and we visited when my daughter was in Georgia and she was like another grandmother to my granddaughters and a sweet friend to all of us. WE had a wonderful visit when she came out to Texas for a visit and we closed out all the stores, had fun in Austin, and visited where Sherif was laid to rest. We always planned on Gloria eventually moving back home to Texas, but life sometimes takes unforeseen curves. Gloria ended up in the hospital after a series of falls and severe anemia and she text when she could, then the text stopped and my sweet friend had a heart attack in the hospital and was in ICU on a ventilator. She was a little better, then her heart stopped twice and they brought her back but on Sunday night she went into respiratory arrest and they couldn't bring her back--she passed away at 8:00pm Georgia time. Her sister sent me a message and my heart broke into a series of pieces that over the past couple of days have shattered and I find myself completely broken. I am in the depths of grief right now and I know I have to go through this
to get to the other side but it is a hard process. I cry, I feel better, I remember something about her and then I am crying again, I think of Gloria and my mom and then the grief and tears just become overwhelming. It seems I break down the most when I drive and probably because we talked a lot when I drove. This pain, this hurt is different, it feels like a deep hurt inside my heart and it just floods over me and overwhelms me. Every time I almost smile or feel a flicker of joy come, the grief suddenly appears and blankets over me. For now, I am just BROKEN.
treats. I still miss her today. In my head I can still here her playing the piano and hear her voice singing, "When We All Get To Heaven". It was the death of Grandma that gave me the first break in my heart. Time moved on and another crack raced across my heart when my Grandmother died. I had just seen her and couldn't come home from Texas for her funeral. My heart broke a little more, I had spent a lot of my childhood with Grandmother and treasured her. I felt a little lost when I came home for visits and she wasn't there anymore. I had a granddaughter by this time. Soon after I lost Grandmother my marriage fell apart and my husband left me for another woman and my heart was hurt by another sharp break that I still haven't really overcame. Time marched on and my sweet Grandpa died next and my heart was just full of cracks. He was precious to me and I drove his little car everyday, filled with memories of him and my beloved Grandma. My heart broke a little more and I had to face life without grandparents and even today the sense of sadness and loss can come over me. By the time Grandpa died my children were grown and I had three adorable granddaughters. Time slipped on by and days turned to months and months into years...then I faced the biggest loss of my life.
October 18, 2014: My sweet mother went to be with God. I was with her, we all were as she drew her last breath and left us to enter heavens doors. My heart broke, I felt the piece of my heart break off and that piece shattered with the devastating loss of my mother. I knew she was ill and had been for years but after summer she got much worse and I came home with my daughters in time to see her, in time for her to know we were there before she drew her last breath. I stayed with her as much as I could and kept thinking about how I should have come earlier in the spring when she was okay but I kept postponing my trip home until I almost postponed to too long. I am happy that her struggle and her pain is over and that she is with her momma, daddy, and brother, but my pain and struggle began as she entered heavens doors. The what ifs and should haves were killing me and my heart was broken and a big piece of my heart was shattered. I was there to say goodbye and put her to rest and I was there with my father and brothers as we worked through our grief and still do, always will be working through it, I imagine. On my drive home by myself, I think I cried most of the way back to Texas. I didn't know a person could hurt so much and cry so many tears. It seemed fine for days and then just suddenly that pain would be back and I'd see my sweet mom, remember something, and the tears were back. The loss of my grandparents was heart cracking, but the loss of my mother was heartbreaking and it still is. Time moved on and I came back home in April to a different house with mom and there was pain again and tears., but seeing my dad, my aunt, and my brothers, was healing.
June 21, 2015
Suddenly without warning and with shock and disbelief God called my best friend Gloria, home. She had been in the hospital, having tests done, and she'd been sick with some health issues. I don't think any of us realized that anything like this would happen. I text with her almost every single night--sometimes very long conversations into the night. She's a little older than me and we first met 18 years ago and worked together for a few years, and she and her husband and son were like a part of the family. Often we ate dinners together and went shopping together and talked all the time. She was my own personal therapist (HaHa) and helped me to deal with my divorce, my family, and just everything. She knew me better than anyone except maybe for my aunt. She was there when two of my grandchildren were born, and I was there for her when her husband passed away. Even though she moved to Boston, we still talked weekly if not daily and when we got cell phones we began texting daily several times a day to keep in touch to be a life support to each other. She moved to Georgia to take care of her mother and we still kept in contact daily and we visited when my daughter was in Georgia and she was like another grandmother to my granddaughters and a sweet friend to all of us. WE had a wonderful visit when she came out to Texas for a visit and we closed out all the stores, had fun in Austin, and visited where Sherif was laid to rest. We always planned on Gloria eventually moving back home to Texas, but life sometimes takes unforeseen curves. Gloria ended up in the hospital after a series of falls and severe anemia and she text when she could, then the text stopped and my sweet friend had a heart attack in the hospital and was in ICU on a ventilator. She was a little better, then her heart stopped twice and they brought her back but on Sunday night she went into respiratory arrest and they couldn't bring her back--she passed away at 8:00pm Georgia time. Her sister sent me a message and my heart broke into a series of pieces that over the past couple of days have shattered and I find myself completely broken. I am in the depths of grief right now and I know I have to go through this
to get to the other side but it is a hard process. I cry, I feel better, I remember something about her and then I am crying again, I think of Gloria and my mom and then the grief and tears just become overwhelming. It seems I break down the most when I drive and probably because we talked a lot when I drove. This pain, this hurt is different, it feels like a deep hurt inside my heart and it just floods over me and overwhelms me. Every time I almost smile or feel a flicker of joy come, the grief suddenly appears and blankets over me. For now, I am just BROKEN.
Memories
CRU
October, 1997: I started my new job at MHMR at the Crisis Residential Unit. I was going to be a therapist tech and lead groups with mentally ill adults. CRU was a place that mentally ill adults came to stay for a few days until they were safe and stable to go home. They came to us because they weren't needing to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital, but they weren't safe to go home either. So they stayed at CRU until they were stable and ready to go home, usually a few days. Sometimes we had clients come to stay with us because they needed to be monitored while the doctor changed their medication, and a few came to us for respite of a few days to give their families/caretakers a break. I worked with two other therapist techs, a doctor, a nurse, and a therapist who cared for about 8-12 clients. Sometimes more, sometimes less. The therapist was a licensed professional of the healing arts (LPHA) and she lead one processing group each day for about 1-2 hours, while I lead morning and afternoon groups but not processing therapy groups. I lead a Goals group, then we had the processing group, and usually a creative group before lunch. We monitored lunch, then we had two afternoon groups--one was coping skills/symptom management, and lastly was a group where we did games or movies. After I was trained in Good Chemistry, I taught Good Chemistry groups to dual diagnosis clients. I worked there a couple of weeks when I met the therapist, Gloria Noah, who would over the years become a close friend, a best friend, and better than the sister I never had. I met her by observing her group and after that first time I became the staff member that attended the group with her, observed her, assisted in the group, and eventually kept notes for her.
Gloria was the kindest person I ever met and she was devoted to the clients. She was their advocate and when clients deterated and had to be taken to the hospital she always tried to help keep them calm. At the time we were at CRU was before police worked directly with us and understood very little about mental health. Often I had to chase clients who ran away because they didn't want to go to the hospital or were scared. When I brought them back Gloria tried to speak softly to them and calm them down while the police handcuffed them. The worse thing I saw was when a girl was being handcuffed and she was terrified because her abuser had done this to her. It was so sad and most times I couldn't watch, but Gloria would stay with them and reassure them. We could understand handcuffing those who were violent but the rule was to handcuff everyone, but they weren't criminals--most were just suicidal and needed to be in a more restricted place than the CRU. It took a long time but now we have Mental Health police who are trained to work with our clients and only those violent clients are restrained. It is so much better now, and back in those early days at CRU it was just heartbreaking at times they way the clients were treated. While it's much better now, there is still room for improvement with the police, stigma, and mental health.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
2019
GOALS FOR 2019
1. BE HEALTHIER: LOOSE WEIGHT AND EAT HEALTHY.
2. EXERCISE PROGRAM
3. PAY OFF DEBTS
4. NO NEW LOANS
5. READ GOD'S WORD DAILY
6. PRAY W/O CEASING
7. BE KIND
8. BE ENGAGED IN ACTIVE BIBLE STUDY
9. BE AN ENCOURAGER
10. NO GOSSIP
11. PERFORM ACTS OF COMPASSION
12. TRAVEL
13. REST, RELAX, AND TAKE CARE OF MYSELF
14. PRAY FOR OTHERS
15. MAINTAIN POSITIVE ATTITUDE
16. PRAISE GOD
1. BE HEALTHIER: LOOSE WEIGHT AND EAT HEALTHY.
2. EXERCISE PROGRAM
3. PAY OFF DEBTS
4. NO NEW LOANS
5. READ GOD'S WORD DAILY
6. PRAY W/O CEASING
7. BE KIND
8. BE ENGAGED IN ACTIVE BIBLE STUDY
9. BE AN ENCOURAGER
10. NO GOSSIP
11. PERFORM ACTS OF COMPASSION
12. TRAVEL
13. REST, RELAX, AND TAKE CARE OF MYSELF
14. PRAY FOR OTHERS
15. MAINTAIN POSITIVE ATTITUDE
16. PRAISE GOD
I believe...
I believe in...God. I believe He is here with me always. I believe He wants the best for me and has a perfect plan for me. I believe He just wants me to listen to Him, follow Him, trust Him. I believe God loves me, even when I'm not that lovable. I believe God will never leave me. God never lets go of me, but too many times I let go of Him. I believe God forgives me and wipes away my tears. I believe God has a path for me to follow, I just need to listen and get on the right path with God's hand in mine and hold on. I believe in love, and Love is God.
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