BROKEN

I wonder how many times a heart can be broken, before it shatters completely?  I was a little girl when my heart received it's first crack--my granddaddy died and I was about six years old.  Time moved on and another crack went across my heart when my Grandma died.  I was married and with two children and unable to come home for the funeral.  She was my buddy--I spent nights with her, played games with her, ate macaroni and tomatoes with her and fixed rice krispy
 treats.   I still miss her today.  In my head I can still here her playing the piano and hear her voice singing, "When We All Get To Heaven".  It was the death of Grandma that gave me the first break in my heart.  Time moved on and another crack raced across my heart when my Grandmother died.  I had just seen her and couldn't come home from Texas for her funeral.  My heart broke a little more, I had spent a lot of my childhood with Grandmother and treasured her.  I felt a little lost when I came home for visits and she wasn't there anymore.  I had a granddaughter by this time.   Soon after I lost Grandmother my marriage fell apart and my husband left me for another woman and my heart was hurt by another sharp break that I still haven't really overcame.  Time marched on and my sweet Grandpa died next and my heart was just full of cracks.  He was precious to me and I drove his little car everyday, filled with memories of him and my beloved Grandma.  My heart broke a little more and I had to face life without grandparents and even today the sense of sadness and loss can come over me.  By the time Grandpa died my children were grown and I had three adorable granddaughters.  Time slipped on by and days turned to months and months into years...then I faced the biggest loss of my life.


October 18, 2014:  My sweet mother went to be with God.  I was with her, we all were as she drew her last breath and left us to enter heavens doors.  My heart broke, I felt the piece of my heart break off and that piece shattered with the devastating loss of my mother.  I knew she was ill and had been for years but after summer she got much worse and I came home with my daughters in time to see her, in time for her to know we were there before she drew her last breath.  I stayed with her as much as I could and kept thinking about how I should have come earlier in the spring when she was okay but I kept postponing my trip home until I almost postponed to too long.  I am happy that her struggle and her pain is over and that she is with her momma, daddy, and brother, but my pain and struggle began as she entered heavens doors.  The what ifs and should haves were killing me and my heart was broken and a big piece of my heart was shattered.  I was there to say goodbye and put her to rest and I was there with my father and brothers as we worked through our grief and still do, always will be working through it, I imagine.  On my drive home by myself, I think I cried most of the way back to Texas.  I didn't know a person could hurt so much and cry so many tears.  It seemed fine for days and then just suddenly that pain would be back and I'd see my sweet mom, remember something, and the tears were back.  The loss of my grandparents was heart cracking, but the loss of my mother was heartbreaking and it still is.  Time moved on and I came back home in April to a different house with mom and there was pain again and tears., but seeing my dad, my aunt, and my brothers, was healing.


June 21, 2015


Suddenly without warning and with shock and disbelief God called my best friend Gloria, home.  She had been in the hospital, having tests done, and she'd been sick with some health issues.  I don't think any of us realized that anything like this would happen.  I text with her almost every single night--sometimes very long conversations into the night.   She's a little older than me and we first met 18 years ago and worked together for a few years, and she and her husband and son were like a part of the family.  Often we ate dinners together and went shopping together and talked all the time.  She was my own personal therapist (HaHa) and helped me to deal with my divorce, my family, and just everything.  She knew me better than anyone except maybe for my aunt.  She was there when two of my grandchildren were born, and I was there for her when her husband passed away.  Even though she moved to Boston, we still talked weekly if not daily and when we got cell phones we began texting daily several times a day to keep in touch to be a life support to each other.  She moved to Georgia to take care of her mother and we still kept in contact daily and we visited when my daughter was in Georgia and she was like another grandmother to my granddaughters and a sweet friend to all of us.  WE had a wonderful visit when she came out to Texas for a visit and we closed out all the stores, had fun in Austin, and visited where Sherif was laid to rest.  We always planned on Gloria eventually moving back home to Texas, but life sometimes takes unforeseen curves.  Gloria ended up in the hospital after a series of falls and severe anemia and she text when she could, then the text stopped and my sweet friend had a heart attack in the hospital and was in ICU on a ventilator.  She was a little better, then her heart stopped twice and they brought her back but on Sunday night she went into respiratory arrest and they couldn't bring her back--she passed away at 8:00pm Georgia time.  Her sister sent me a message and my heart broke into a series of pieces that over the past couple of days have shattered and I find myself completely broken.  I am in the depths of grief right now and I know I have to go through this
to get to the other side but it is a hard process.  I cry, I feel better, I remember something about her and then I am crying again, I think of Gloria and my mom and then the grief and tears just become overwhelming.  It seems I break down the most when I drive and probably because we talked a lot  when I drove.  This pain, this hurt is different, it feels like a deep hurt inside my heart and it just floods over me and overwhelms me.  Every time I almost smile or feel a flicker of joy come, the grief suddenly appears and blankets over me.  For now, I am just BROKEN.