BROKEN

I wonder how many times a heart can be broken, before it shatters completely?  I was a little girl when my heart received it's first crack--my granddaddy died and I was about six years old.  Time moved on and another crack went across my heart when my Grandma died.  I was married and with two children and unable to come home for the funeral.  She was my buddy--I spent nights with her, played games with her, ate macaroni and tomatoes with her and fixed rice krispy
 treats.   I still miss her today.  In my head I can still here her playing the piano and hear her voice singing, "When We All Get To Heaven".  It was the death of Grandma that gave me the first break in my heart.  Time moved on and another crack raced across my heart when my Grandmother died.  I had just seen her and couldn't come home from Texas for her funeral.  My heart broke a little more, I had spent a lot of my childhood with Grandmother and treasured her.  I felt a little lost when I came home for visits and she wasn't there anymore.  I had a granddaughter by this time.   Soon after I lost Grandmother my marriage fell apart and my husband left me for another woman and my heart was hurt by another sharp break that I still haven't really overcame.  Time marched on and my sweet Grandpa died next and my heart was just full of cracks.  He was precious to me and I drove his little car everyday, filled with memories of him and my beloved Grandma.  My heart broke a little more and I had to face life without grandparents and even today the sense of sadness and loss can come over me.  By the time Grandpa died my children were grown and I had three adorable granddaughters.  Time slipped on by and days turned to months and months into years...then I faced the biggest loss of my life.


October 18, 2014:  My sweet mother went to be with God.  I was with her, we all were as she drew her last breath and left us to enter heavens doors.  My heart broke, I felt the piece of my heart break off and that piece shattered with the devastating loss of my mother.  I knew she was ill and had been for years but after summer she got much worse and I came home with my daughters in time to see her, in time for her to know we were there before she drew her last breath.  I stayed with her as much as I could and kept thinking about how I should have come earlier in the spring when she was okay but I kept postponing my trip home until I almost postponed to too long.  I am happy that her struggle and her pain is over and that she is with her momma, daddy, and brother, but my pain and struggle began as she entered heavens doors.  The what ifs and should haves were killing me and my heart was broken and a big piece of my heart was shattered.  I was there to say goodbye and put her to rest and I was there with my father and brothers as we worked through our grief and still do, always will be working through it, I imagine.  On my drive home by myself, I think I cried most of the way back to Texas.  I didn't know a person could hurt so much and cry so many tears.  It seemed fine for days and then just suddenly that pain would be back and I'd see my sweet mom, remember something, and the tears were back.  The loss of my grandparents was heart cracking, but the loss of my mother was heartbreaking and it still is.  Time moved on and I came back home in April to a different house with mom and there was pain again and tears., but seeing my dad, my aunt, and my brothers, was healing.


June 21, 2015


Suddenly without warning and with shock and disbelief God called my best friend Gloria, home.  She had been in the hospital, having tests done, and she'd been sick with some health issues.  I don't think any of us realized that anything like this would happen.  I text with her almost every single night--sometimes very long conversations into the night.   She's a little older than me and we first met 18 years ago and worked together for a few years, and she and her husband and son were like a part of the family.  Often we ate dinners together and went shopping together and talked all the time.  She was my own personal therapist (HaHa) and helped me to deal with my divorce, my family, and just everything.  She knew me better than anyone except maybe for my aunt.  She was there when two of my grandchildren were born, and I was there for her when her husband passed away.  Even though she moved to Boston, we still talked weekly if not daily and when we got cell phones we began texting daily several times a day to keep in touch to be a life support to each other.  She moved to Georgia to take care of her mother and we still kept in contact daily and we visited when my daughter was in Georgia and she was like another grandmother to my granddaughters and a sweet friend to all of us.  WE had a wonderful visit when she came out to Texas for a visit and we closed out all the stores, had fun in Austin, and visited where Sherif was laid to rest.  We always planned on Gloria eventually moving back home to Texas, but life sometimes takes unforeseen curves.  Gloria ended up in the hospital after a series of falls and severe anemia and she text when she could, then the text stopped and my sweet friend had a heart attack in the hospital and was in ICU on a ventilator.  She was a little better, then her heart stopped twice and they brought her back but on Sunday night she went into respiratory arrest and they couldn't bring her back--she passed away at 8:00pm Georgia time.  Her sister sent me a message and my heart broke into a series of pieces that over the past couple of days have shattered and I find myself completely broken.  I am in the depths of grief right now and I know I have to go through this
to get to the other side but it is a hard process.  I cry, I feel better, I remember something about her and then I am crying again, I think of Gloria and my mom and then the grief and tears just become overwhelming.  It seems I break down the most when I drive and probably because we talked a lot  when I drove.  This pain, this hurt is different, it feels like a deep hurt inside my heart and it just floods over me and overwhelms me.  Every time I almost smile or feel a flicker of joy come, the grief suddenly appears and blankets over me.  For now, I am just BROKEN.

Memories

CRU

October, 1997:  I started my new job at MHMR at the Crisis Residential Unit.  I was going to be a therapist tech and lead groups with mentally ill adults.  CRU was a place that mentally ill adults came to stay for a few days until they were safe and stable to go home.  They came to us because they weren't needing to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital, but they weren't safe to go home either.  So they stayed at CRU until they were stable and ready to go home, usually a few days.  Sometimes we had clients come to stay with us because they needed to be monitored while the doctor changed their medication, and a few came to us for respite of a few days to give their families/caretakers a break.  I worked with two other therapist techs, a doctor, a nurse, and a therapist who cared for about 8-12 clients.  Sometimes more, sometimes less.  The therapist was a licensed professional of the healing arts (LPHA) and she lead one processing group each day for about 1-2 hours, while I lead morning and afternoon groups but not processing therapy groups.  I lead a Goals group, then we had the processing group, and usually a creative group before lunch.  We monitored lunch, then we had two afternoon groups--one was coping skills/symptom management, and lastly was a group where we did games or movies.  After I was trained in Good Chemistry, I taught Good Chemistry groups to dual diagnosis clients.  I worked there a couple of weeks when I met the therapist, Gloria Noah, who would over the years become a close friend, a best friend, and better than the sister I never had.  I met her by observing her group and after that first time I became the staff member that attended the group with her, observed her, assisted in the group, and eventually kept notes for her.

Gloria was the kindest person I ever met and she was devoted to the clients.  She was their advocate and when clients deterated and had to be taken to the hospital she always tried to help keep them calm.  At the time we were at CRU was before police worked directly with us and understood very little about mental health.  Often I had to chase clients who ran away because they didn't want to go to the hospital or were scared.  When I brought them back Gloria tried to speak softly to them and calm them down while the police handcuffed them.  The worse thing I saw was when a girl was being handcuffed and she was terrified because her abuser had done this to her.  It was so sad and most times I couldn't watch, but Gloria would stay with them and reassure them.  We could understand handcuffing those who were violent but the rule was to handcuff everyone, but they weren't criminals--most were just suicidal and needed to be in a more restricted place than the CRU.  It took a long time but now we have Mental Health police who are trained to work with our clients and only those violent clients are restrained.  It is so much better now, and back in those early days at CRU it was just heartbreaking at times they way the clients were treated.  While it's much better now, there is still room for improvement with the police, stigma, and mental health.

2019

GOALS FOR 2019


1.  BE HEALTHIER:  LOOSE WEIGHT AND EAT HEALTHY.


2.  EXERCISE PROGRAM


3.  PAY OFF DEBTS


4.  NO NEW LOANS


5.  READ GOD'S WORD DAILY


6.  PRAY W/O CEASING


7.  BE KIND


8.  BE ENGAGED IN ACTIVE BIBLE STUDY


9.  BE AN ENCOURAGER


10.  NO GOSSIP


11.  PERFORM ACTS OF COMPASSION


12.  TRAVEL


13.  REST, RELAX, AND TAKE CARE OF MYSELF


14.  PRAY FOR OTHERS 


15.  MAINTAIN POSITIVE ATTITUDE


16.  PRAISE GOD

I believe...

I believe in...God.  I believe He is here with me always.  I believe He wants the best for me and has a perfect plan for me.  I believe He just wants me to listen to Him, follow Him, trust Him.  I believe God loves me, even when I'm not that lovable.  I believe God will never leave me.  God never lets go of me, but too many times I let go of Him.  I believe God forgives me and wipes away my tears.  I believe God has a path for me to follow, I just need to listen and get on the right path with God's hand in mine and hold on.  I believe in love, and Love is God.

New Years Resolutions

2019
(1) Spend More Time With God 
     -Bible study and prayer-

(2) Eat healthier

(3) Exercise at least 3 days a week

(4) Loose 20 pounds by May 2019

(5) Strive to be a better Me

(6) Be kinder to everyone

(7) Start writing again

(8) Give of myself--Help other people

(9) Spend more time with  family

(10) Continue to work on my home

2011
(1) Spend More Time With God 
     -Bible study and prayer-


(2) Eat Healthier and Loose Weight


(3) Exercise More


(4) Pay Off All Loans


(5) Don't Create New Loans


(6) Give of Myself
     -help other people-


(7) Be Kinder and More Compassionate


(8) Forgive  Others Daily


(9) Forgive Myself


(10) Give Back to God

If I Could Tell You...

If I Could Tell You What I Know...I'd tell you to cherish your children.  Always take the time to tell them that they are special.  Never miss an opportunity, because time slips away in the blink of an eye.  


If I Could Tell You What I Know...I'd tell you to talk to God, listen to Him, give Him your time--He wants that more than money.  Lean on God, He's big enough to carry you and never let's go.  God is the only one who is truly dependable.


If I Could Tell You What I Know...I'd tell you to take good care of yourself and don't stress so much.


06/24/15
My mother passed away:  October 18, 2014
My best friend Gloria passed away June 21, 2015




If I Could Tell You What I Know...Cherish your mother, spend time with her, talk to her everyday, because in a blink of an eye time sweeps on and she's gone.  When she calls pick up the phone and talk to her--make the time, even when your busy and dead tired make time for your mother.  Talk to her, laugh with her, and make memories that will keep safely in your heart when she is gone.  Those precious memories will help so much when your heart is breaking and she is gone. 


If I Could Tell You What I Know...I'd tell you that is okay to cry as long as you have to.  It's okay to hold your heart and cry until there are just no more tears.  I'd tell you that your heart will break, shatter, and hurt when you loose someone.  It's okay to have all these feelings, feelings of sadness, heartbreak, feeling lonely, feeling lost, grief, and with time it'll fade a little but your heart will always be broken--but the pain won't be so sharp and endless--it will fade a little each day, but it will never disappear.  You will learn to cope better, you may still cry at times, but it'll get easier--I think, I haven't reached that point yet. 

If I could tell you what I know, I'd tell you to be kinder to yourself.  Do something nice for your self.  Take time for you and talk to God everyday and every night.

If I could tell you what I know I'd end it with never stop living and never stop living and vow everyday to create your own happiness instead of depending on others for joy.  Depend on yourself and God.  And, that is what I know so far...

Another day....

09/22/10


I was blessed this morning, because I woke up to inhale another breath of fresh air. I was blessed this morning because I had water to wash my face and brush my teeth. I was blessed with clean clothes to wear, juice to drink, and breakfast to eat. I was blessed today with a car that started and took me to work. I was blessed today because I have a job that I really love and friends that I work with. I was blessed today to lead a group and teach them how to journal to help them to relieve stress and express themselves. I was blessed at noon because I had food to eat for lunch. I was blessed this afternoon to provide transportation to my clients and take them to their appointments and to the food pantry. I am blessed by the clients that I serve. I was blessed this evening to have a home to go to tonight, a television to watch, food to cook for dinner, family to talk to on the phone, and I was blessed to have hot water for a bath and cool air conditioning in my house. I was blessed today to have a bed to lie down in and a blanket to pull up over me. Today was just another full day of endless blessings that God in His mercy and love showered down on me. Remember your blessings, and don't forget to always thank God for just another day....